Mind Your Manners

As a native Washingtonian, I feel a sense of civic obligation to those who may be venturing to D.C. for an internship, or really, for anything, in the future. I’ve got the inside info, which makes me feel all cool and special.

So, for the next few weeks, in addition to giving you the titillating details of my own life, I will deliver insider tips on how to make the most out of the nation’s capital.

Even as a life-long resident, I never really get tired of this city, and it has so much to offer if you know your way around. Looking like a tourist is okay the first few days you’re here is okay, but after a while, you want to start to settle into the groove of things, and hopefully I can help you.

So, without further delay, I present to you: Ten ways not to get bored, cursed out, cheated, hit by a car in Washington, D.C.

First off? The complex lesson of Washingtonian Etiquette:

When you arrive here in the district, you will undoubtedly hear the phrase “stand right, walk left.” Now, before you go tripping over yourself trying to walk with one leg and stand with the other, know that this is the unwritten rule for the dizzying number of escalators you will encounter here in the District.

This is a town full of busy people, who want to get things done, and may, from time to time, be inclined to violently shove anybody out of their way in that effort. So to avoid contention, keep in mind: If you are going to leisurely enjoy your ride up to street level, please stand on the right to allow the quick tempered, caffeine addled Hill staffers to run past you. Follow this rule, and you can almost halve the number of expletive laced rants you will encounter.

Now, contrary to what the above statements would have you believe, D.C. is not New York, or Boston, or L.A. We are actually an exceptionally pleasant city. (In my opinion) People smile at you when you see them, hold doors, help you with directions, etc.

But you will, unfortunately, encounter your rare a-hole. But I’ve got a secret. Lean in close now…They’re not really from D.C.

That guy elbowing you out of the way to catch the next Red line train to Glenmont? Betcha he’s from Kansas. The woman who stepped on your foot and then had the nerve to give you the stank face? Carpetbagger from Connecticut. Even that evil barista at Starbucks who looks like he would rather throw your Chai in your face than hand it you, is probably originally from Alabama. The point is, these people ain’t natives.

The myth is that in order to survive in a city, you have to be aggressive, cold, and ruthless to get ahead. You have to look out for numero uno, step on other people’s heads, walk the walk, talk the talk. None of that is true.

And I think the same goes for a lot of cities. Us city folk are laid back. We don’t like to rush things, and usually aren’t too high strung. It’s those transplants that give us the bad name…damn transplants. So the next time you encounter an exceedingly rude person in D.C., you can comfort yourself knowing that it’s all an act to appear tough.

But it gets even more complicated. Because, although D.C. is nice for a big city, it isn’t some tiny town in Middle America either. The culture here is a little different, and some things you may have taken for rudeness were just cultural variations. Like, for instance, smiles here aren’t quite what they are everywhere else. You’re more likely to find what I call “the lip curl”, which is that kinda awkward half-smile that straddles the line between “nice to meet you” and “you’re in my way.”

The lip curl is usually given with the best of intentions, and should be taken as a polite greeting. Do not, however, mistake it as an invitation for an extended discussion of the weather.

Someone didn’t say thank you after you held the door for them? Pay attention. If they widened their eyes and gave you a lip curl, that means thanks. Strange, I know, but that’s just the way we roll in the D dot C…

Until Next Time…